Its been a good four weeks since I got home. Good enough time to sit back, soak in my experience and move on with life here. I have learnt, in the past year, to live in the intensity of the moment- think about the past and future, yes, but not get lost in them. I have tried to live each moment for what its worth... I've tried my best to give each one its due. And I've been proud of what I could achieve with it- another whole life, another set of friends, and family that I love with the same intensity...
But I cannot help but question now if I'm quite capable of balancing two lives- doing two sets of friends and family justice. And I quickly realise, that to live every moment of my life in the past year, I compromised on this life here- At most times, I convinced myself to live only one life-the one I was leading there- and to no do injustice to both by trying to live each simultaneously.
Now, try as I may to convince myself that it is the same situation turned on its head, the fact that I'll never be leading the previous life like I did the past year makes things so much harded. And I also realise that I find it increasingly difficult to detach, and reattach. I've made the cardinal sin of combining both, trying to live both simultaneously.
I find it hard to accept loss- and I find myself asking myself the proverbial question time and again- 'Is it better to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all?' The pain of loss, sometimes, is excrutiatingly painful, and I find myself alone each time my mind runs through the fact that somethings are lost- forever- and the others will never be the same again. At such times, I make the common mistake of busying myself with work, shutting my mind to the thoughts- only for them to return stronger, and with more bitterness.
If only I can sit and let them take over for a while, give my mind enough time to soak them in- and ultimately, accept them. If only I can begin to live life, instead of loomin
g around the transition between the two- living neither. If only I could reciprocate the love, and care around- without having my mind trace itself back through past memories. If only...
I have the power to love, but do I have the power to let go? Do I have the power to let things take their own course? To leave some things upto time to decide? Maybe not...
I have a ways to go.
"...And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep..."
But I cannot help but question now if I'm quite capable of balancing two lives- doing two sets of friends and family justice. And I quickly realise, that to live every moment of my life in the past year, I compromised on this life here- At most times, I convinced myself to live only one life-the one I was leading there- and to no do injustice to both by trying to live each simultaneously.
Now, try as I may to convince myself that it is the same situation turned on its head, the fact that I'll never be leading the previous life like I did the past year makes things so much harded. And I also realise that I find it increasingly difficult to detach, and reattach. I've made the cardinal sin of combining both, trying to live both simultaneously.
I find it hard to accept loss- and I find myself asking myself the proverbial question time and again- 'Is it better to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all?' The pain of loss, sometimes, is excrutiatingly painful, and I find myself alone each time my mind runs through the fact that somethings are lost- forever- and the others will never be the same again. At such times, I make the common mistake of busying myself with work, shutting my mind to the thoughts- only for them to return stronger, and with more bitterness.
If only I can sit and let them take over for a while, give my mind enough time to soak them in- and ultimately, accept them. If only I can begin to live life, instead of loomin
g around the transition between the two- living neither. If only I could reciprocate the love, and care around- without having my mind trace itself back through past memories. If only...I have the power to love, but do I have the power to let go? Do I have the power to let things take their own course? To leave some things upto time to decide? Maybe not...
I have a ways to go.
"...And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep..."
