"The value of something is seldom known until lost"
Who would have thought the past year would reinforce the popular epithet SO many times, I'm almost sure never to forget?
When, a year ago, I left India for the United States, that WAS my intention- to put myself in a position where I would be able to value what I had this end- things I'd taken for granted. It was one of the motivations that pushed me to accept the opportunity with the enthusiasm that I did. But the lessons after that seemed to be uncalled for-not that lessons are supposed to come pre-warned- but they are sometimes so very hard when you don't even have a hint. The latest- Hannah's impending sudden departure- is another to add to the list, that only seems to get tougher...
At most times, I seem to think I'll know what I'll miss... That is, until the threat of and impending departure- mine or someone else's- looms over the head like a fatal sword, and then everything seems to suddenly come uder a completely different light. Thinking about something as the last time you might be witnessing it changes it so radically, and makes your reaction to it so different- it is almost never the same again.
And I quickly realise that the first of those lessons- laving family in India for a year- was probably the mildest. Given that I always knew I was going back after a year, it wasn't as hard afterall! I realised a few things that I'd taken for granted, and was glad for an opportunity to go back and make some things better- to be able to look at them in a different light.
But the others- leaving friends and family in Atlanta, leaving Grady high school, and Hannah leaving back for home- seem so permanent, so unrectifiable. I managed to gague their true value only in the last few moments- making it near impossible to go back to make things better...
Regrets. So many of those- making me wish for time travel more than ever. Regreats- that will probably always remain what they are- regrets. Regreats about doing some things, and not doing others; regrets about saying some things and not saying others. Regrets- that make you wonder how much better, how much more special something could have been if you had acted differently. But they are what remain in the hand when all else is lost- like stubborn pieces of stones in a fistful of smooth sand...
Hannah is leaving. I don't know what to feel about that yet. We've been together for SEVEN long months- spent almost every one of those moments together. It's difficult not to take the bond for granted. But now that she is leaving, I look at ordinary, day-to-day things with a renewed interest- a queer pre-nostalgia. Everything from our silly talks late into the night, to our random bursts into songs we love, to random tidbits of memories we share, to the spontaneous hugs, to her adorable 'awoo-woo!' call whenever I'm down, to all those laughs, the smiles, and tears we've shared.I had taken it all to be permanent. Maybe, the fact that she would have left at the end of the year anyway was never in my mind when I thought of our bond...
A sister. I always wanted one. Who would have thought I'd get such a wonderful one? An ever-smiling, ever-understanding, ever-supportive one? ... And who would have thought she'd be taken away from me at such a short notice? The person who probably knows me better than anyone else- my deepest confidante, and staunchest friend. Someone I've grown to love so much, I almost don't notice it. So many times I've felt like we were one soul in two bodies- like we could read each others' minds... like we could communicate without words... Maybe it happens with living together so long... You become one.
So its no wonder that her departure feels like someone is coming and severing us into two- ruthlessly. Maybe its good for our development as individuals- to be forced out of our somfort zones and to be forced to take on the world on our own... But the mere thought is so painful- it gives me a heartache.
I try to make most of the remaining few memories- tp not spoil them by thinking of what's gonna happen in near future... but its hard. Its hard not to feel so heavy in my heart, to stop my tears from swelling up every time she leaves my presence.
I'm going to miss her so so much.... she takes a part of my soul with her.
Who would have thought the past year would reinforce the popular epithet SO many times, I'm almost sure never to forget?
When, a year ago, I left India for the United States, that WAS my intention- to put myself in a position where I would be able to value what I had this end- things I'd taken for granted. It was one of the motivations that pushed me to accept the opportunity with the enthusiasm that I did. But the lessons after that seemed to be uncalled for-not that lessons are supposed to come pre-warned- but they are sometimes so very hard when you don't even have a hint. The latest- Hannah's impending sudden departure- is another to add to the list, that only seems to get tougher...
At most times, I seem to think I'll know what I'll miss... That is, until the threat of and impending departure- mine or someone else's- looms over the head like a fatal sword, and then everything seems to suddenly come uder a completely different light. Thinking about something as the last time you might be witnessing it changes it so radically, and makes your reaction to it so different- it is almost never the same again.
And I quickly realise that the first of those lessons- laving family in India for a year- was probably the mildest. Given that I always knew I was going back after a year, it wasn't as hard afterall! I realised a few things that I'd taken for granted, and was glad for an opportunity to go back and make some things better- to be able to look at them in a different light.
But the others- leaving friends and family in Atlanta, leaving Grady high school, and Hannah leaving back for home- seem so permanent, so unrectifiable. I managed to gague their true value only in the last few moments- making it near impossible to go back to make things better...
Regrets. So many of those- making me wish for time travel more than ever. Regreats- that will probably always remain what they are- regrets. Regreats about doing some things, and not doing others; regrets about saying some things and not saying others. Regrets- that make you wonder how much better, how much more special something could have been if you had acted differently. But they are what remain in the hand when all else is lost- like stubborn pieces of stones in a fistful of smooth sand...Hannah is leaving. I don't know what to feel about that yet. We've been together for SEVEN long months- spent almost every one of those moments together. It's difficult not to take the bond for granted. But now that she is leaving, I look at ordinary, day-to-day things with a renewed interest- a queer pre-nostalgia. Everything from our silly talks late into the night, to our random bursts into songs we love, to random tidbits of memories we share, to the spontaneous hugs, to her adorable 'awoo-woo!' call whenever I'm down, to all those laughs, the smiles, and tears we've shared.I had taken it all to be permanent. Maybe, the fact that she would have left at the end of the year anyway was never in my mind when I thought of our bond...
A sister. I always wanted one. Who would have thought I'd get such a wonderful one? An ever-smiling, ever-understanding, ever-supportive one? ... And who would have thought she'd be taken away from me at such a short notice? The person who probably knows me better than anyone else- my deepest confidante, and staunchest friend. Someone I've grown to love so much, I almost don't notice it. So many times I've felt like we were one soul in two bodies- like we could read each others' minds... like we could communicate without words... Maybe it happens with living together so long... You become one.
So its no wonder that her departure feels like someone is coming and severing us into two- ruthlessly. Maybe its good for our development as individuals- to be forced out of our somfort zones and to be forced to take on the world on our own... But the mere thought is so painful- it gives me a heartache.
I try to make most of the remaining few memories- tp not spoil them by thinking of what's gonna happen in near future... but its hard. Its hard not to feel so heavy in my heart, to stop my tears from swelling up every time she leaves my presence.
I'm going to miss her so so much.... she takes a part of my soul with her.
1 comment:
that's really touching. must have been terrible leaving "your life there" behind... I hope you're taking it well.
And dont worry things will be ok, cos once the connection is made... it can never be broken!
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