Its been a good four weeks since I got home. Good enough time to sit back, soak in my experience and move on with life here. I have learnt, in the past year, to live in the intensity of the moment- think about the past and future, yes, but not get lost in them. I have tried to live each moment for what its worth... I've tried my best to give each one its due. And I've been proud of what I could achieve with it- another whole life, another set of friends, and family that I love with the same intensity...
But I cannot help but question now if I'm quite capable of balancing two lives- doing two sets of friends and family justice. And I quickly realise, that to live every moment of my life in the past year, I compromised on this life here- At most times, I convinced myself to live only one life-the one I was leading there- and to no do injustice to both by trying to live each simultaneously.
Now, try as I may to convince myself that it is the same situation turned on its head, the fact that I'll never be leading the previous life like I did the past year makes things so much harded. And I also realise that I find it increasingly difficult to detach, and reattach. I've made the cardinal sin of combining both, trying to live both simultaneously.
I find it hard to accept loss- and I find myself asking myself the proverbial question time and again- 'Is it better to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all?' The pain of loss, sometimes, is excrutiatingly painful, and I find myself alone each time my mind runs through the fact that somethings are lost- forever- and the others will never be the same again. At such times, I make the common mistake of busying myself with work, shutting my mind to the thoughts- only for them to return stronger, and with more bitterness.
If only I can sit and let them take over for a while, give my mind enough time to soak them in- and ultimately, accept them. If only I can begin to live life, instead of loomin
g around the transition between the two- living neither. If only I could reciprocate the love, and care around- without having my mind trace itself back through past memories. If only...
I have the power to love, but do I have the power to let go? Do I have the power to let things take their own course? To leave some things upto time to decide? Maybe not...
I have a ways to go.
"...And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep..."
But I cannot help but question now if I'm quite capable of balancing two lives- doing two sets of friends and family justice. And I quickly realise, that to live every moment of my life in the past year, I compromised on this life here- At most times, I convinced myself to live only one life-the one I was leading there- and to no do injustice to both by trying to live each simultaneously.
Now, try as I may to convince myself that it is the same situation turned on its head, the fact that I'll never be leading the previous life like I did the past year makes things so much harded. And I also realise that I find it increasingly difficult to detach, and reattach. I've made the cardinal sin of combining both, trying to live both simultaneously.
I find it hard to accept loss- and I find myself asking myself the proverbial question time and again- 'Is it better to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all?' The pain of loss, sometimes, is excrutiatingly painful, and I find myself alone each time my mind runs through the fact that somethings are lost- forever- and the others will never be the same again. At such times, I make the common mistake of busying myself with work, shutting my mind to the thoughts- only for them to return stronger, and with more bitterness.
If only I can sit and let them take over for a while, give my mind enough time to soak them in- and ultimately, accept them. If only I can begin to live life, instead of loomin
g around the transition between the two- living neither. If only I could reciprocate the love, and care around- without having my mind trace itself back through past memories. If only...I have the power to love, but do I have the power to let go? Do I have the power to let things take their own course? To leave some things upto time to decide? Maybe not...
I have a ways to go.
"...And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep..."
2 comments:
sometimes its best to leave things the way they are and let god do the things for you.
sometimes its best that your mind does not ponder over things it should:)
perhaps your life has been etched in way that you will meet them, perhaps not.
but the ones living with you have actually lived with the "old" aroo practically their whole life..
just think about this..
margherita,dj,mario,summer.. they all are still with you..
their faces have changed, their language have changed..
but mario is still their with you..
speaking in perhaps gujarati.. perhaps hindi..
the love is still thier..
be it mario, or mudra, you are still wanted, loved and cared by them.
try and look for the friends youve left in the states in your own backyard..
im sure you'll find..
remember, their faces have changed, their love, care and affection is still with you in different forms.
best of luck..
dj,mario,margerita are all waiting for you in your own city..
im sure you'll find them.. and you'll see that the love has not changed
god bless.
rohan.
hey girl....
i literally sat for 3 hours today morning and read all your posts...to be true, all are fantastic...i was checking for some other blog and accidentally found yours...
great going ya...hope to read more..
cya!
Post a Comment